Kira Herdman

I would like to start by conveying that my thoughts and sympathies are with everyone that was affected at CSD Berlin, or Berlin Pride, last weekend. Pride events should be safe for everyone and no one deserves to be injured or killed for just being who they are.

I have recently had to renew my PIP claim as I have PTSD from serving in the Army. It has been a very stressful few months.

5 years since I had to go through this, how it affected me then.

The last time I had to renew my PIP claim was 5 years ago, where I had to take it all the way to the tribunal stage of the process. This was very stressful and in fact made my PTSD a lot worse than it was before the process has started. The judge basically threw out the DWP argument and said don’t pester me for another 5 years.

It took me at least 6 months to a year before I felt back to my old self again after that time. My flashbacks were a lot worse, and I was even more nervous than I was before it all started going out.

Not a good time to go through this.

I am only just getting over the fact that I had to go through being accused of a horrendous crime late last year, which took 4 months for the police to chuck out the case against me, saying there was no evidence that I had done what my accuser had done.

I was only getting back to my normal self, though I wasn’t all there, as I had to leave an open-air event that was on at a local town near where I live due to me knowing I was getting angry, a symptom of my PTSD. Furthermore, I can usually cope with open-air events.

Found out my PIP was for renewal just before Pride month.

Now, if you have not guessed from my previous posts on this blog, I am a transgender woman. Pride is important for me due to it being not just a celebration but also a protest, a protest that is more important than ever, thanks to the erosion of our rights as transgender individuals in the UK. While I did cope with some pride events, the main one near where I live, Blackpool Pride, I had trouble coping sometimes, though I did manage to keep that hidden from a friend who went with me.

Also, the Festival of Making was in my local town during this process. I wanted to go, got there 1/2 hour before it started and had to come home as I felt like I could not cope with the crowds that were building up, even though I had noise-cancelling headphones on. This was an outdoor event as well. With active noise-cancelling headphones on, I am usually OK with being in a small crowd when outside. I think the fact that I had problems at the event in the town near me a few weeks ago has shaken me up more than I realise.

How it has affected me.

I just feel like I take one step forward, 2 steps back sometimes. I was just recovering mentally from the police case when this happened.

Let’s get one thing clear before anyone posts in the comments (I do monitor them, in fact, I delete a lot of them before they get approved, as a lot of transphobic comments happen to try to grace my blog), I hate being on benefits.

I just wish I could work in my field of expertise, IT, without stressing out and possibly losing control. I simply can not cope with busy areas, especially indoors.

But over the last few months, things have been slowly getting worse; I can just feel it, and I hate it. I want to live a normal life, where I am not always worrying about where my headphones are or if I can cope with where I am going. I would love to be able to travel to other places besides my local area, I even struggle to catch a train to Manchester, which is only an hour’s journey on the train, by myself without getting worked up when I get there. When I do get there, I have to spend the first 1/2 hour when I get off the train trying to calm down before I can function properly, and again this is with noise-cancelling headphones on. I even struggle to get on the bus to anywhere that is not in my immediate local area.

Furthermore, I am also sick to death of being hyper-aware. Even when I am distracted with music, I still know where all the exits are, how many cars are in the street, who looks shifty and stuff like that.

It can be mentally draining.

The Process Part 1 – The Initial Decision.

I got a text from DWP, or the Department for Work and Pensions, the governmental department that handles all the benefits here in the UK that my PIP was for renewal, and they are sending forms out for me to fill in. I have never been good at filling out any form, even though I have an above-average IQ. My brain just can not compute what a form is most of the time.

I am lucky that I have a friend, who is also a local councillor and helped design the benefits system, help me with this form. I am forever grateful that she is willing to do this for me.

So we filled in the forms, I also attached a letter I got from the MOD (Ministry of Defence) stating that I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD, and waited.

It took Royal Mail 2 weeks to deliver the paperwork form when I posted it off. While I was waiting, I got a reminder text saying the DWP was still waiting for the form. I had to phone them up to say what date I posted it, and can you note it on my account that I have posted it.

This added to the stress that I was already under.

The Monday after I had phoned them up saying I had posted the letter back, they sent me another text saying they have received my form and will contact me after they have made their decision.

After yet another week, I got a text saying a decision has been made will have to wait another 2 weeks for a letter to arrive to inform me of their decision. They also pointed out that not too phone them during this time to ask about what they had decided, but wait for the letter to arrive.

This again makes me even more stressed than I already was at the time.

This was just before the Festival of Making was on, and the reason why I didn’t think I could cope with the crowds.

During this time, I could just feel myself getting more and more stressed as time went on, so worsening the PTSD symptoms that I have, more agitated, more hyper aware and starting to get some blackouts. I was just tired all the time during this period.

The Process Part 2 – The decision letter.

The initial decision letter took over 2 weeks to be delivered. During this time, all I could think about was whether I would get PIP again or would I have to appeal it. I also had to take steps in my expenditure to make sure I did not go into debt while this was happening, as the DWP stops payments straight away. For me, it means I did not go out as much for coffee, something that the last psychiatrist told me to do. All I could do was wait around at home while keeping an eye out for the postman. While I do have things I could do at home, like my hobbies, they do not fully distract me like going out for a coffee does. It was the one thing that I looked forward to.

Having to appeal against the decision is again more mental anguish than I really did not want to go through again, as I said before, the last time I had to go through with that, my PTSD got a lot worse. Not only that, but it also feels very degrading that you have to do that.

After 17 days, I still have not had a reply from the DWP about my claim. So I went onto the government website and searched for “Proof Of Benefit” and logged in, and it said I have got it for the Mobility part of PIP for 6 years. After I checked with 4 other people whom I trust to see what they think, they all confirmed that I have got it. This was such a relief that I did not have to go through the appeal process.

After phoning PIP up, they confirmed that “Nothing Has Changed”, meaning I still definitely have it.

Conclusion

Claiming benefits is a very stressful process. I think it really needs to be updated, as the current postal service is not very reliable these days. They should have an option where they can email documents instead of posting them out. Not only would this be faster, but also, in a small way, help save the environment.