Kira Herdman

So today marks 5 years since I came out publicly as a transgender woman. In this post I will go through the journey I have been on so far.

Being closeted for 45 years

I have known I was different since about the age of 5. I didn’t know what it was as in the early 80’s there wasn’t the internet as we know it today. BBS (Bulletin Board System) boards where the internet and they were very rare, plus I was only 5 ! !

I was around 8 years old when I got my first none gaming computer in 1994, it was an Amstrad CPC 464. There still was no internet, so I still didn’t know what a transgender person was. By the time I was old enough to do any research into the matter Section 28 was in effect. This law was enacted in 1988, when I was 12. It was in effect until 2003, by which time I had already been in the Army, left and was with a partner.

Section 28 was very damaging for me, as the only viable source of information at that time, since there was no internet, was the Library or programs like Microsoft Encarta for the PC, Thanks to Section 28, which banned all mention of LGBT+ life in public spaces, they had no information on what I was feeling. I tried … a lot to find out.

During this time when I was old enough I did experiment sexually with both women and men, though I always wondered what it would be like to be a woman instead of a man. As a kid I always wanted to play with my foster-sister’s dolls, wear her clothes and put on makeup. Unfortunately I couldn’t experiment as my foster family was very religious, and that is one of the reasons why I joined the British Army as soon as I could at the age of 16.

What I didn’t know at the time is that there was a law stating that LGBT+ people could not be enlisted in the Armed Forces at that time. I was lucky; I was a straight-acting male at the time, even though inside I was screaming, knowing I was different inside.

Then the internet happened. Section 28 could not censor it, and I finally found out about the LGBT+ community and what a transgender person was. At the time, I was in a relationship with a straight woman, so I still hid it, and also the public perception of transgender people was still pretty bad at that time. Then we split up just as COVID-19 was happening in the year 2000.

Coming out during COVID-19

When I found out my ex GF was cheating on me it broke me. So I thought you know what, I a going to look after me for a change instead of giving a toss what everyone else thinks, as we was locked up thanks to the shutdown. The first person I told was my sister, who accepted me without hesitation. This did not come as a surprise me as her niece is bi and my sister already knew I have been with both men and women.

The same day I told my sister I was transgender, I went on Amazon and ordered some clothes. Bad clothes, I know now why they call it the baby trans style. Think tight, short skirts, tight tops, false boobs, and wigs. All the clothes were pink, of course.

I also visited some second-hand shops in town and bought a bunch of women’s clothes. That was the last time I ever wore men’s clothes. The next time I went out, I was dressed in the typical baby transgender way – tight short skirts, fishnet tights, tight tops, false boobs, bad makeup, and a wig that didn’t suit me at all. But for the first time in my life, I felt alive, happy, and truly myself. No one really noticed me, though I do wear headphones when I’m out because of my PTSD.

Then the lockdown happens on the 23rd March 2020. This was a time where I experimented a lot with clothes, spending stupid amounts of money on Amazon, Shien and Temu ordering anything that was pink, small and tight. But while I was wasting all this money (I still have those clothes but never wear them these days) I was also watching a lot of YouTube videos. After a few months I learned about Hormone Replacement Treatment (HRT) and you could get it on the NHS, so I contacted my GP.

Now some GP’s in the UK can be, shall we say, not helpful to the trans community. My GP was not one of them. In fact my GP has been excellent all the way through my journey from when I first contacted them until this day. I went to see my GP and explained what was happening and they referred me to the GIS (Gender Clinic) in Leeds, the closest one to me. I was then put on the dreaded waiting list, a list I am still on to this day.

So, while I was at it, I decided to officially change my name from my deadname to the one I use now, Kira. You might have heard of it from a TV show, Kira Nerys from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I picked it because the character is super strong, and being transgender these days requires a lot of strength. Plus, I’ve always loved the name Kira. Changing my name was a breeze, actually. I’ve done it before thanks to being adopted, so it was just a matter of going through the same process again. I had to change it on my bank, my GP, the NHS (yes, you have to change it at both), my driving license, and a few other things.

One of the best things about this time was when I got my driving license back. A lot of people I’ve talked to don’t know this, but there’s a gender marker on a UK driving license. The 7th character, if it’s a 0 or 1, means male, and if it’s a 5 or 6, it means female. Well, guess what? The one on my driving license is now a 5 or 6. This was the first official document that officially said I was a woman!

Frustration

After about 3 years of waiting, and slowly getting out of my baby trans phase and getting more appropriate clothes, I was getting frustrated with the GIS waiting list. At the time I was also going to a sexual health clinic in my home town, thanks to transgender people being in the high risk category to get STD’s and mentioned this to them as well as my GP. My GP also knew I was going to the sexual health clinic as well. The GP mentioned about going to see a therapist about it and said she will write to the sexual health clinic to see if they offer any services that could help me. To my surprise they did. This ended up being one of the best things that happened to me since coming out publicly as a transgender woman.

Although it took about a year to get an appointment for 12 sessions with the therapist it was well worth it. She told me about bridging hormones, and how to try and get them. Although I couldn’t get on them (my GP didn’t have the training to put me on them) that made me think on how to get them in a safe manner. One thing I didn’t not want to do, and don’t recommend anyone to do, is self medicate.

At this time, I also met a friend who is a transgender woman who happened to get her hormones privately. She is with GenderGP. Although I had heard bad things about GenderGP, she said I should give them a try. I mentioned this to my therapist at the time, and she said it was a great idea. Although it was expensive to start (I did sell a few things to start it, like my PS4 amongst other things), I started with GenderGP on the 9th March 2024.

I didn’t start on the HRT until the 23rd of May 2024 as they have to do checks. You also have to speak to a specialist before they let you have HRT. But in the meantime, it was going to be expensive to keep with GenderGP unless I got help from my GP. This is where the therapist came into clutch. I told her I was going to see them about helping with blood tests etc for HRT and she said she would write a letter to my GP to ask them to help me as she thinks it would help my mental health at the time, which was declining fast thanks to the frustration. My GP, to my surprise, had no problem helping out. In fact, like I have mentioned before, they have been absolutely brilliant about it. This is a big tip for baby transgender people, get a good GP if possible, they can help you out so much.

Post HRT

As mentioned above, I started HRT on the 23rd of May 2020. Just before Pride Month, so I was well happy. That day, I dumped the false boobs I had been using up to that point. I hated them but also couldn’t live without them. Mentally, the frustration I had about hitting roadblock after roadblock with the GIS just disappeared. I am still on the waiting list, waiting for my first appointment. This month, it will have been 9 months since I started HRT, and I am starting to see tangible differences physically. Chest getting bigger all the time, skin softer, smell different, weaker a lot (it’s suppressing how much this affects daily life), and a lot colder than what I used to get. I enjoy it all though, as it means the magical drug called oestrogen is working.

The biggest difference though is mentally. After living a lie for over 45 years I finally feel alive. Before sometimes I just wanted to end it all as I was getting really fed up with after the rush of coming out faded all I was hitting was a brick wall after brick wall. The only thing that kept me going at the time was my cat, my sister and her children, my cousin and his family and a close friend who I see as my mother these days. My transgender friend, though she didn’t know it, was also a very big help as well as a group of friends I met at the first pride event in my hometown.

Conclusion

My biggest regret is the fact I was born in the wrong body, section 28 delayed me finding out the information that I needed to know and waiting 45 years to finally be myself.

Although I am 49 today, I count myself as 5 as today is my birthday. Today, 5 years ago, I started to live properly as my true self. The haters online can do nothing to dampen that.

To anyone who is living in the closet, take your time. It is hard, you have to mentally be in the right place to come out. Do your homework, make some noises to your GP so see if they can support you. But most of all, don’t let anybody stop you from being your true self. I am Kira, I am a proud transgender woman.

No one, not even the President of the United States, can take that away from me. No matter what anyone says.