Scared

I’m going to be blunt in this blog post on how I currently feel. I am scared. I am not scared of going out as my true self, or correcting people when they mis-gender me. No, I am scared of letting anyone in.

Every time someone gives me a compliment online, I get scared. Scared they just see me as a fantasy, scared that if I get to close they will push me away. Scared of rejection.

I didn’t use to be this way. I was always shy, even as a kid, but never scared.

As I have talked about before, I don’t have many friends, as I have never let anyone get close to me. The friends I do have I very rarely let go easily, always try and see the good side of people. This has come to light very recently when I have discovered a friend has done some stuff I don’t want to talk about, most people have abandoned him, but I still care what happens to him. I hate him for what he has allegedly done, but I still care about him as a friend.

But when it gets to letting someone in closer, I just push people away.

Since coming out 2 ½ years ago, I have only let one person in. He was a cross dresser, wasn’t sure if he was transgender. He, when dressed up, looked like an angel. He wasn’t bad looking as a man either to be honest. It didn’t work out obviously. He was messed up in his head and decided after a few month’s that he couldn’t carry on so he moved away. This was 2 years ago.

To be fair to him, I was also a bit messed up as I had only just come out a few months before and was still adjusting my life to living as a woman. Since then however I have not let anyone close else get close to me.

At first I didn’t know what it was, but these last few weeks, especially after the Conservative conference where they basically vilified my existence as a trans person, I wonder if I will let anyone in close.

I get a lot of compliments online from Men who don’t even know me. No woman has ever shown interest in me. I am speaking to a transgender woman who lives near me, we can talk for hours about transgender stuff but never about relationship stuff apart from just saying to each other we are lonely and bored.

One of my closest friends is a transgender woman who is in a relationship with a cis man. They just bounce of each other. I was visiting my cousin earlier today and he and his partner, who is a-gender also bounced off each other. It was wonderful to see but also depressing.

I’m even scared of meeting people for casual sex these days, it’s been over a year since I have had any if I am honest.

I wish I could get over this feeling. I am writing this post as this helps me a lot, always has and the reason why I do this blog, besides trying to help other transgender people come to terms in what is a very difficult part of the transition. Waiting for HRT.

Sometimes I just wish I could curl up and die.