This has been on my mind a lot.

WARNING - THIS ARTICLE TALKS ABOUT SUICIDE THOUGHTS

Recently my doctor went to see if I could get on Pre-Emptive HRT. First off she wrote to my GIS to see if they could. Took them a month to write back to her just to say that they can't and try this other place,  A "Gender Endocrinology" service. About 2 weeks ago I got a text off my GP to say the service has been shut down and there is nothing else they can do as there are no other services apart from GIS.

So basically this government has allowed the service to close after the doctor who used to run the service retired.

The reason why I went to my GP about getting on Pre-Emptive HRT is my gender dysphoria is getting worse. I am not one of the lucky trans woman who "pass". My face looks like a male, square, with a square chin, I hate it every time I look in the mirror. I have to wear wigs, I'm tall, very tall for a female (6'4"), broad shoulders, big feet. The list goes on and on. Basically everything opposite a woman.

This is also effecting my mental health as I can feel myself slipping into depression more and more. I have never slept well as it is, thanks to PTSD, but now I am REALLY not sleeping well (the fact is I started to write this blog post in my head at 4am and its now 5:10am and I am sat at my PC writing it should say a lot), although to the outside world I am cheery, inside I am crying, all the time.

Recently I have thought about ending it, as I can not see a way out of it. My brain is screaming to get in a females body, I am like WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE THIS. Every corner I turn has hit a brick wall.

I did phone my GIS up, as they dead named me in a letter, although I have legally changed my name via deed poll and my GP + local hospital have had the deed poll document. They apparently need it as well as they are not on the same system as the NHS. That pissed me off even more. While I was on the phone to them I asked where I was on the waiting list. They told me they are seeing patients referred to them from Summer 2019. I was referred to them in Summer 2021.

So although I have been on the waiting list already for 2 years, I have been told it will probably be another 2-3 years before I even get my FIRST appointment with the GIS.

No wonder our attempted suicide rates in this country is 40% and rising. I might be one of the 40% if this carries on as this is just a joke. Its like I have no where to turn now. All the doors are shut.

To go private I need at least £1500 to get started then about £50 per month. For the rest of my life, and that is just for hormones. For top and bottom surgery and facial surgery that can run into many thousands. Someone who is on benefits thanks to PTSD has no chance of getting that money together.

The transgender healthcare system in this country is a joke. I firmly and wholly blame the conservatives for this. I would not wish this on anyone.

As for the right wing of this country saying "men pretend to be women to get into women's only places", I say BS, no one would go through what we go through just to do that.