Relationships as a trans girl

I have been out as a trans girl for about 2 years now. I can count on my hand the number of days I have been in a relationship in those 2 years. 1 day. Why is that?

Well I think for starters it has taken a long time for me to realize what I want. At first I thought I wanted a “normal” relationship, that is a man and a woman. But I have found this to be really hard, as while some men are of course beautiful, I am simply not attracted to them in that way. Some men I am attracted to sexually but not romantically.

Also most men seem to treat me like an object or an experiment. Maybe it’s the way transgender people are projected by the media or by porn, but I am not some kind of experiment for you, I am a human being who’s just trying to get through life without doing some of the things I think of doing to myself every Morning or every time I go to bed.

Then I thought I was a lesbian. No woman so far as taken my interest romantically, also no woman has also taken an interest in me romantically (that I know of). I have a lot of new friends that are women, but they are all just that, friends. While I am grateful of that (after all, before I came out as a trans woman I had 2 friends in total I think) its still a lonely existence.

Sometimes I think it is because I don’t “pass” as a woman in the looks department. While I do take pride in my appearance I know I have an Adams apple, my face is not the shape of a woman's, I am very tall (6’4) and I never used to ware makeup. Now I do wear some makeup, I have a look I really like (Punkish Girl) and in public I don’t really give a toss what anyone says. I am my hardest critic. I hate my Body. Gender Dysphoria, can be a bitch.

So while I write this blog post, I am at an impasse. The only constant thing I am for certain is that I am a Trans Woman. The problem I have is this is the only way I can express how I feel. Besides wanting to help other people out, this blog is probably the only way I can open up about my feelings.

I now know who I am. I’m not going to label it, as I have spent the last 2 years trying to figure it out. Homoflexable is the closest I know of a label but I am just going to say this. I am a trans woman. I am a proud woman who thinks she is kind in her own little way. I want to help people, I do help other LGBT+ people out and sometimes be an “agony aunt”. Maybe I need my own “agony aunt” but just not found her as of yet.

I am probably looking to hard. Maybe I should give up looking and just concentrate on what I have, a good group of friends, My Cat, the LGBT+ Group I go to every week, my health and the stupid waiting list to get on HRT.

Mental Health, can be a bitch.